I have this habit of needing to sleep with certain ideas, stories, sounds in my head. I put on random tv shows or movies I meticulously select despite knowing the fact that I would be fast asleep before the first opening scene. And i could never pick just any visual or sound, but a specific one which attracts me most at that moment. And then sometimes, I pick a post-rock band with no lyrics, close my eyes and start creating my own movie in my head. I imagine camera angles, color filters, location, background soundtrack, script, etc like it was a real movie. I watch this movie inside my head and most likely I would cry because I am only capable of creating really great sad, dramatic stories inside my head. This capability and habit eventually led me to being so scatterbrained as I have this dire need to be able to do everything. Which is why, in the near future I hope to study film or even acting because I think deep down, i know that broadway is calling.
today is the day i feel completely helpless because i want so many things in life but i just don’t know where to start.
i want something real this time.
i have no name for this feeling. it’s almost prosthetic, dim and imaginary. we are as still as the silent darkness shrouding our naked skin. the stillness slowly evaporates with every steady breath you take. the way your fingers find and traces my back with swirls of absolution and euphoria, the way i am mesmerized by the curves of your lips as you blow the stray eyelash off my cheek. if i could melt like wax on solid bone, i swear at that moment i would have. hide me under. pull me close. we are almost there and we only got until sunrise.
Maybe in a couple of years I might just recall back all these temporary hookups and fake pretense relationships I have gone through. Hopefully I will laugh because it has gotten me places but also because I am glad that i had at least tried something once. I might just screenshot all the Tinder, OkCupid, Whatsapp etc conversations and cringe is dismay as how probably slutty or kinky we all were. How i stuck true to the standing of “If it ain’t white, it ain’t right” (yeah save your racist comments, we all have preferences and I have my own). Taking note on past conquests and first tries. This current chapter will be about how I had sex with 4 online strangers 7 times and how I still feel goddamn jaded about intimacy and shit. Once again, the internet ruined it all.
The amount of Tinder I have been tinkering with is enough to make any mother lock up their daughters in heavy duty chastity belts and throw away the key in the Ganges River or something.
of late night cascading kisses in the pink glow. the best feeling is to dream about the person humming sweet lullabies next to you.
i just want to lie back into the deepest ocean and float away into infinity.
i wish i knew what you were thinking so we can just cut the bullshit and i can make things right all the time. because i want to do this right this time. i believe you deserve that kind of respect and privilege. well at least i think you do. i hope i am at least right this time around.